White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
