There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
