I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
