just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Randomize
