i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Randomize