definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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