4 words: hood of his car
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
so let's talk penis.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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