Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
