You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
