Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
