Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
