I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize