if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize