My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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