Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
My balls are so social today.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
