He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
