fuck your aforementioned shoe
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
