I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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