I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
