six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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