half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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