dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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