First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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