if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
