I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
