hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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