moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
Little spoons don't ask big questions
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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