You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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