I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
