I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
