hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
just found out that she named her cat after me.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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