I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
