you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Randomize
