I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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