Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
