i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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