My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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