Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Randomize
