fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
