There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I just blew my weed a kiss
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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