I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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