I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
