note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
Randomize
