if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize