I'm pants shitting drunk right now
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Dear god my vagina.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
