Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
