just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
