My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
