so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
