Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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