Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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