I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
No more Irish car bombs ever.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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