Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
