Just mADE A PArabola og urine
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize