Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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