How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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