I heard we made out
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Randomize
