I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
